


Death Didn't Discriminate Then, Why Should It This Time?

by ReylanSteele



Series: Alexander Familton and Friends [1]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: AU, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, College AU, Flashbacks, Hurt Laf, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, OT4, Sick Fic, modern day AU, protect Laf, sick Laf
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-19
Updated: 2016-05-19
Packaged: 2018-06-09 08:56:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6899515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ReylanSteele/pseuds/ReylanSteele
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sickness had always scared Alex, especially after his mother died. Now Lafayette has fallen ill and Alex has to learn to deal. </p><p>I suck at summaries but you should give it a look, especially since I'm neglecting my other fics in favor of this ((yikesyikesyikes))</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

You'll be fine, they said. You just need to make sure he doesn't fall out of bed, they said. We'll only be gone for today, everything will be ok, they said. However John and Hercules, in their rush to get to work, had neglected to do, was ask Alex how he felt about staying home with a bedridden Lafayette for the whole day. 

Don't get Alex wrong, he adored their beautiful French boyfriend as much as John and Hercules did. Under any other circumstances he would have been more than happy to spend the day at home with Laf. Under any other circumstances anyone would want to spend a day alone with Laf. But at the moment Laf was sick, and not cute snuggles sick. He was throwing up, coughing fit, migraine having, achy sick.  
Alex wasn’t grossed out by this, that definitely wasn’t the problem. It scared him. The second night that Laf was sick, Alex had to leave their bed and go sleep on the couch, because he didn’t want to wake the others with the nightmares he was having about Laf dying. Every time he’d go to sleep he’d watch Laf struggle and gasp for breath, and every night he would hold Laf in his dreams as he died cursing Alex for not doing something, for not helping him. 

And now Alex was standing at the bathroom door, his hand poised above the doorknob, trying to force himself to open it when he heard Laf start vomiting again. His heart lurched at the sound of Laf retching.

//Maman it hurts please make it stop! Maman I hate this Maman please help me I don’t want to throw up anymore my throat hurts and my stomach hurts Maman!

I’m sorry mon cher enfant, I would make it stop if I could. Please don’t cry Alexander, it will only make you feel worse.//

Alex took a deep breath and pushed the intrusive memories to the back of his mind and finally opened the door.

"Laf? You ok?" Alex immediately winced at how stupid that sounded, how ironic that he would be at a loss for words. He looked inside and saw Laf, shirtless and hunched over the toilet. The Frenchman plopped himself down onto the tiled floor between the toilet and the bathtub and flashed Alex a thumbs up before letting his eyes slip shut. 

"I am alive," Laf rasped out, his usually smooth voice barely a hoarse whisper. 

"Do.....do you want to go lay down?" Alex asked tentatively. Laf nodded ever so slightly and held his arms out in his boyfriend's general direction. Alex quickly made his way over to him and took both his hands to pull him. Upon getting to his feet, Laf promptly pitched forward into the smaller man's arms and almost knocked both of them onto the floor. Alex managed to gain his balance just in time and keep them upright. 

"Whoa whoa, I gotcha," Alex held Laf for a few moments and allowed his lover to catch his breath for a moment. He felt the heat rising off of the other man's bare skin and the slight hitch in his breath as he tried his best to keep his stomach from flipping again. Laf pressed his face into Alex's hair and took a few more steadying breaths. Alex felt Laf pull away and begin to support some of his own weight. Alex looked up into the frenchman’s face and felt his chest constrict at how sick he looked. Laf’s normally warm, glowing skin had an unsettling pallor to it and his cheeks were flushed from the exertion of vomiting and standing. His soft dark chocolate eyes that Alex had written endless sonnets about were unfocused and ringed with dark circles. The poor man had barely slept in the last four days, he was too busy coughing out a lung to think about resting. John, Hercules, and Alex had tried to make him comfortable, cuddling him, rubbing his temples, even sitting on the floor in the bathroom with him when he was too tired to make the trip back to the bed. At least Hercules and John had, Alex had been somewhat….distant in that respect. Alex felt awful for letting his memories rule him when Laf was obviously so miserable, but he couldn’t help the flashbacks and anxiety anymore than Laf could help his coughing. 

“Alex?” Laf’s face had twisted into a look of concern as his small boyfriend stared at him. “Are you alright?” Alex snapped out of us reverie and forced a tight smile onto his face. 

“Yeah fine babe, just lost in thought for a second. Let’s get you into bed before we both hit the floor,” Alex led the other man into the bedroom and helped him get situated under the comforter. Laf sighed and curled up on his side with his arms wrapped tightly around his abdomen. “Laf? It’s time for your medicine, ok?” Alex rummaged through the drawer til he found the bottle with the liquid fever suppressant. The other man whimpered softly and burrowed deeper into the bundle of covers trying to escape the chill of the apartment. 

“Laf please,” Alex knelt down next to the bed trying to catch the other man’s eye. 

“Don’t want it...it is...how you...s’il vous plait, I’m too tired to English right now,” Laf moaned pulling the covers up to his chin. 

“Would you prefer the question in French?” Alex joked lamely. Laf groaned softly in response.

“Alex please, you are giving me un mal de tête,” Laf whimpered, pulling his pillow over his head. “Can’t you just let me die in peace?” Alex’s breath caught in his throat and his stomach rolled as the words left Laf’s lips. Images of Laf lying lifeless in the bed flashed in front of his eyes

//Maman please wake up! Maman, please, please don’t go! Mommy PLEASE COME BACK! MOMMY!! 

Alexander stop, she’s gone. Alexander you’re going to hurt yourself! 

No, no, no , NO!!! MOMMY WAKE UP PLEASE, MOMMY!

Get him out of here, he isn’t strong enough for this kind of exertion.// 

Alex’s hands shook and the bottle of medicine fell to the ground. He could feel his chest tighten. Stop it he needs you, pull yourself together Hamilton. How can you be so selfish, worrying about yourself and what makes you uncomfortable when he could be dying. Maybe if you had paid more attention back then she would have survived too, but you always do this. Everything has to be about Alexander, he always has to be the center of attention, even when someone else is suffering, he thought to himself and only after a few moments did he realize that Laf was sitting up and calling his name.

“Alexander! What is the matter?! Are you-” Laf was cut off by a coughing fit that was so violent he ended up doubled over and trembling. His body lurched and he clapped a hand to his mouth, which Alex quickly interpreted as ‘get me the trash can, now’. He thrust the wastebasket next the desk into Laf’s hands and watched his boyfriend dry heave into it painfully. Alex forced himself to sit next to Laf ok the bed and wrap his arm around him. He regretted instantly as his own stomach lurched upon feeling how pronounced Laf’s spine and ribs were. Laf finished heaving and took a shuddering breath which he let out in a broken sob. He slumped against his boyfriend, exhausted. 

“I feel like I’m dying Alex,” he muttered against Alex’s neck. 

Alex was frozen, paralyzed by anxiety and fear. He knew he should be comforting Laf, like John had done the night before, but he couldn't seem to get the words out. Instead he forced himself to move, to disengage. He gently disentangled himself from Laf, who whined at the loss of warmth and support, and picked up the medicine bottle. 

“Here,” Alex pressed the bottle into Laf’s hands. “You, um, you need to take that. Do you need anything else?”

“Um, no, no nothing else.”

“Ok, ok, um good, i’m gonna go work on some homework in the living room and let you rest. If you need anything you can-”

“Alex can’t you lay down with me le plus cher? Keep me company?” Laf looked so fragile and the tentative smile on his face made Alex’s heart ache to turn down the invitation, but he couldn’t do it, he just couldn’t. 

“I’m sorry sweetheart, I, I have a lot of work due soon and I-”

“Connerie, you are at least two weeks ahead in all your classes!” Laf pointed out hotly. Alex could feel his heart rate rising, it was getting harder to breathe. 

“Look, Laf, I’m, I’m sorry I got a new assignment from work that I need to work on. It’s due really soon and I have to research for it so that’ll take a while and I-”

“Fine,” Laf snapped, his expression equal amounts hurt and anger, “If you are that repulsed by me, I won’t force you to stay in the same room as me a moment longer.” Laf turned over away from Alex and pulled the covers up again. 

“Laf I’m not repulsed by you! I love you, you know that! Baby-”

“Enough!” Laf half shouted, followed by a few weak coughs. “Just…..just go Alex.”

Alex let his gaze drop to the floor in shame and silently left. He'd hurt Laf enough for one day.


	2. Coming Home

“Alex? Laf? You guys awake?” John called out into the apartment as he and Hercules dropped their bags down next to the door. “Sweethearts?” John turned an inquiring eye to Hercules and was met with a shrug from the tailor. John, now worried, moved quickly into the apartment and back into the bedroom the four of them shared.

“Lafayette are you alright?” John said, opening the door. A soft groan was the only response John was given. He entered the room with Hercules behind him and quickly spotted the blanketed body. They both smiled at the tuft of black curls sticking out from the top of the blankets. They crept around to either side of the bed and came down to approximate eye level with Laf. Hercules reached out and carefully pulled the blankets back to expose their boyfriend’s face. 

“There’s that pretty face I’ve missed all day,” Hercules grinned and leaned in to peck Laf on the nose and was shocked when he pulled away with a harried sigh and shrunk away from the concerned hand John had placed on his side.. “Laf, what’s wrong?” 

“Nothing,” Laf almost spat the word and yanked the covers up over his face again.

“Herc,” John’s voice was low with apprehension, his hand rested on Laf’s neck. “He’s burning up even worse than this morning. Laf did you take any medicine since this morning?” Laf was uncharacteristically silent at that. 

“Laf, baby, what happened today? Sweetie you’re worrying is. Where, where is Alex?” John only now registering that Laf was alone in the bedroom. 

“How should I know? He couldn’t stand to be in the same room as me, so he left.” Laf’s voice was muffled by the covers, but John could hear the hurt in it. 

“Why would he not want to be here?” John slid off the bed and came around to crouch in front of Laf. The man in the bed shifted uncomfortably and shrugged, keeping his face hidden. Hercules nudged John and nodded towards the door in a ‘go find Alex’ motion. John sent another worried look at Laf and hesitantly left to find their smallest boyfriend. 

“Laf, baby look at me,” Hercules’s voice was soft as he ran gentle fingers through Laf’s corkscrew curls. Hercules knew Laf was upset but he also knew that Laf loved nothing more than the feeling of someone playing with his hair. Sure enough, Laf hummed softly under the touch and slowly emerged from his covers to meet Herc’s eyes. “What’s wrong sweet thing? Tell me what happened, why’re you in your feelings right now?” Laf smiled slightly at that and Herc knew he had broken through the sullen mood. 

“Alex….has been, how you say?” Herc watched as Laf sleepily struggled to find his words. “He wouldn’t stay in the room for longer than he had to, he would barely touch me Hercules! I mean, I know i’m not looking my best right now but pour l’amour de Dieu, he could at least pretend to want to be around me!” Laf had tears welling in the corners of his eyes by now. “Hercules, please, dis-moi la vérité, am I really so, so, gross right now, that Alex can’t even be around me?”

“No, no, don’t ever think that,” Herc ran his fingers down Laf’s face and then leaned in to kiss away the few tears that had escaped Laf’s eyes. He felt Laf give a weak chuckle. Herc leaned up to rest his forehead against Laf’s. “You are the furthest thing from gross Laf.”

“Then, then why doesn’t…...why doesn't he want me?” Laf’s eyes were clouded with fever and hurt and so much pain, that Herc knew right then and there that when he was going to have serious words with Alec later. What possible excuse could Alex have for leaving Laf so distraught and confused and alone?

“I’m sure that’s not it babe, i’m sure Alex has a reason,” Herc consoled as laid his hand on Laf’s arm gently. His brow furrowed in concern as he felt the tremors running through Laf’s frame. “Laf are you cold?” A single sleepy nod. Laf unwrapped his arms from himself and held his arms out to Hercules in a plea to be held and attended after being neglected all day.

“One minute baby, medicine first,” Hercules quickly retrieved the medicine bottle from the other side of the bed where it had fallen on the floor. He administered the dose, smiling at the face Laf made as he swallowed it, and then put it away in the drawer. When he turned back Laf had his arms out again, only this time Hercules gave into the request after shedding his shoes and jacket. As soon as Hercules was in the bed Laf snuggled up to him until he was almost on top of Hercules. He pressed his cold nose into Hercules’s neck and sighed softly. 

“I love you pretty boy,” Hercules cooed quietly as Laf drifted off on his chest.

…..

“Alex? Alex are you in here?” John called into the second bedroom of the apartment. It used to be his and Alex’s room before they had all started dating, but now they used it as a guest room for when the Schuyler sisters visited. However, this was still one of the places Alex would go when he wanted to be alone. John walked into the room and almost immediately found Alex. He was sitting in the corner to the left of the door, face in his knees. “Alex what are you doing in here? Laf was alone down the hall, his fever felt like it had skyrocketed, and whatever you said or did really…...Alex?” 

John had stopped ranting long enough to notice that something was definitely off with Alex. Usually Alex would have jumped in to defend himself by now, or at least to protest in some way. Right now Alex was sitting in silence with his face still in his knees. Only now his hands had wound themselves in his hair tightly and John could hear him whispering quietly to himself, switching between French and English at breakneck speed.. 

“Alex?” John knelt slowly in front of him, trying his best not to startle him. “Alex are you ok?” The smaller man didn’t even pause in his rambling. John could make out a few phrases here and there, ‘I’m sorry’, ‘It’s all my fault’, ‘he’s hurting because of me’, ‘she’s dead because of me’, and countless others like those. 

“Alex, Babygirl please stop,” John reached out and placed his hands over Alex’s. A feeling of fear was growing in the pit of John’s stomach as his boyfriend still didn’t acknowledge him . Alex was rocking slightly and the strings of French and english became the repetition of a few phrases in english. 

“I’m sorry, i’m sorry, oh God i’m sorry, it’s my fault, it’s all my fault I didn’t, I didn't mean for this to happen, I can’t lose him too, I can’t?I’m sorry, oh God oh God, he’s dying and I-”

“ALEX!” John shouted, snapping Alex back to the present and the smaller man’s head flew up and John was shocked by the genuine fear in his eyes. Alex’s hands dropped to his mouth to stifle a small sob as his eyes began to fill with tears. John quickly took Alex’s face in his hands, trying desperately to stem the tears threatening to fall.

“Shit, Babygirl I’m sorry, I didn't mean to yell at you, please don’t cry,” John frantically apologized. This was getting more and more serious, first angsty Laf and now Alex was coming apart in front of him. He and Hercules had only been gone for a few hours, what had these two gotten into? 

“I’m sorry John, I’m sorry, I couldn't do it, I couldn't help him, I couldn’t watch him die, I can’t watch someone die like that again,” Alex sobbed, his hands running back up into his hair, pulling at it in distress. 

“Babygirl, no one is dying, Laf is fine, ok? Laf is in the bedroom with Hercules. He’s not feeling great, but he is certainly not dying. Why would you think he was dying?” John thumbed away a few tears as he spoke. 

“But you don’t understand, that's what they said too, they said she’d be fine, they said she would survive, and they lied John, they lied, she wasn’t alright!” Alex almost shouted, his eyes panicked and fearful. 

“Alex, who are you talking about? Baby, help me understand what’s wrong, please, you’re scaring me!” 

“They said she would be alright and then she left me,” Alex whispered. And then John realized who Alex was talking about. 

“Your mom,” John breathed. “Oh, baby, I, I didn't know. This is why you…..Oh God, Alex why didn’t you say something? If we had known, one of us could have taken off, we could have discussed it. Shit, is this why you weren’t sleeping with us? You were scared? Oh baby, I’m sorry.” John ran a hand through Alex's hair and the smaller man gave a shaky sigh, relieved to have finally told someone what had been driving him nearly insane for the past four days. “You really thought...you thought Laf was dying.”

“Death didn’t discriminate then, why should it this time?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> French translations:  
> Pour l'amour de Dieu- for God's sake   
> Dis-moi la Vérité- tell me the truth 
> 
> Aaaaah I said the title in the fic, I know, I know, I'm cliche af, please forgive me


	3. Confession

Alex was leaning against John’s side, hand intertwined with his, when John decided they couldn’t hide in the guest room any longer. 

“You have to talk to Laf,” he felt Alex go completely still next to him. “Breathe baby.” 

“I can’t John, I can’t talk to him, not after….” Alex trailed off in shame. “He probably hates me.”

“He doesn't hate you Alex, he’s not even really mad. He’s hurt,” Alex trained his gaze on the floor as John spoke. “He thinks that you think he’s disgusting because he's sick. You hurt his feelings,” Alex made to interrupt, but John quickly continued before he could speak. “And I know you didn’t mean to, I know, but Laf is still hurt. You have to keep in mind that he’s feeling incredibly shitty right now and really vulnerable, and that any other time he would have realized you were panicking. It’s not his fault that he didn’t catch the signals, just like it’s not your fault for being upset. It doesn’t change the fact that Laf deserves an explanation for your behavior, as does Hercules.” Alex pulled his hand away from John and wrapped his arms around his torso, eyes still on the floor. 

“I’m not trying to punish you Babygirl, I’m trying to help you,” John reached out and tucked a strand of Alex’s hair hat had come free of his bun behind his ear. “The longer you wait the more difficult it will be.” 

“What am I supposed to say? ‘Hey babe I abandoned you while you were in desperate need of attention because I can’t control my own thoughts and I kept having flashbacks to my dying mother, love you!’”

“Alex you can’t hide in the guest room forever.”

“Well….”

“Alexander Hamilton I forbid it.” 

“But-”

“No. You have to face this Alex. I know it’s scary, but you have to talk to Lafayette,” John stood and extended his hand to Alex to help him up. Alex took John’s hand and clambered to his feet, he was stiff from sitting on the floor for so long. They walked out of the room together and John turned to Alex.

“I’m gonna snag Herc and he and I will start on dinner. You and Laf can have a little heart to heart while you wait,” John pressed a chaste kiss to Alex’s lips before heading into the bedroom. Alex checked his phone and cringed, John had spent an hour and a half sitting on the floor with him while he cried, after spending all day trekking all over New York with foster kids in tow. He must have been exhausted and then he came home and had to clean up my mess, Alex thought. Alex made a note to make it up to him the next chance he got. 

Alex looked down the hall as John and Hercules left the bedroom. Hercules saw Alex and the distinct “we need to talk” look on his face mad Alex’s stomach drop. Laf may not have been mad at him but Herc was. Alex pushed that thought to the back of his mind in favor of forcing himself to walk towards the bedroom. He had no idea what he was gonna say, but he hoped his knack for thinking on the fly would be of some aid to him. 

Alex placed his hand on the doorknob and slowly opened the door. He stepped into the room hesitantly. 

“Can I come in?” He asked to the sole occupant of the room. Lafayette was sitting up in bed, propped up by a few pillows. Someone, most likely Hercules, had pulled his hair back into a ponytail and helped him into a pair of pj’s. 

“You are already in, so I suppose you can,” Laf replied curtly. Alex flinched at the tone of his voice but he pushed himself further into the room. He could feel Laf’s eyes on him as he walked to the side of the bed. Alex looked up to meet his gaze and gestured to the bed, Laf begrudgingly nodded and Alex took a seat on the edge of the bed and began to speak haltingly. 

“I, I wanted to say that I was, um, sorry about...about the, um, way that I...the way that, you know….” Alex stuttered.

“Save it,” Laf muttered. Alex could feel the hurt rolling off of Lafayette, “I know John is making you apologize, and if you don’t mean it I don’t want to hear it.”

“Laf please-”

“God Alex!” Laf cried, “Don’t you get it? I don’t want your empty apologies! I don't want you to come in here like this! Looking at me like that, like, like, you're disgusted! It certainly isn’t making me feel any better and it’s making you uncomfortable! So if you don't mind I wou-”

“I was 12 when my mother died.”

“....what?” Laf found himself staring at Alex, was in turn staring at his hands intently. “Alex what a-”

“She was holding me. We’d been sick for days, I thought I was going to die. I felt like I was freezing and burning all at the same time and every part of me ached. My mother had been sick longer than me and I was trying my best to take care of her, but there’s only so much a 12-year old can do. She was in so much pain and all I could do was watch as my mother slipped farther and farther away from me. She was all I had, to a kid your family is your world and she was the only family I had left. I remember waking up in her bed with her arms around me. But she was cold. Freezing actually. I couldn't feel her breathing anymore. I panicked. I tried to wake her up, I screamed and pleaded and shook her until our neighbors and the landlord showed up. They had to pull me off of her. I ended up passing out and waking up in the hospital.” 

Laf stared speechlessly at Alex, shocked at the brutally honest and devastating story he’d just heard. He was beginning to piece things together now and a deep feeling of guilt and regret settled on his stomach. Before he could say anything Alex had turned to face him and his eyes were brimming with tears that Laf longed to brush away. He held himself back, knowing that Alex needed to power through this uninterrupted or he’d never get through it. 

“When you got sick I….I panicked. My first thought when people get sick is ‘they’re dying’. I tried so hard, I swear,” the tears were flowing now and Alex cursed himself silently, he’d cried more today than he had in years, “I tried to be ok for you, but every time I saw you in pain, all I could see was another person I love dying. I felt like I couldn't breathe Laf. Seeing you in pain made me feel like I was the one who was dying.” Alex finished in a broken whisper. He was about to continue when a soft curse drew both of their faxed to the door, where John and Herc were standing with distraught looks on their faces. 

“Alex...I…...oh God,” Hercules breathed, guilt evident on his features. “I’m so sorry. I should have asked you. I should have….oh God.” Hercules ran a hand over his face, shame running through him at the anger he had felt toward Alex.

“Alex,” Laf whispered, causing Alex to turn back to him. He laid a hand on Alex tear stained cheek and gave him a sad smile. “Je t’aime.” Alex covered Laf’s hand with his own and gave a weak smile in return.

“Forgive me?”

“Il n’y a rien à pardonner,” Laf murmured and he placed a lingering kiss on Alex’s forehead. “Now, cuddle me dammit, you owe me at least a full hour of cuddling.” A watery laugh burst last Alex’s lips as he let Laf pull him completely into the bed. Hercules and John took it as their cue to join the forming cuddle puddle. Hercules laid down behind, Alex who’s face was buried in Laf’s chest, and pressed soft, innocent kisses against the nape of his neck. Every kiss was a silent apology for the anger he’d felt toward the smaller man today. His hands caressed every part of Alex he could reach, straying up under his shirt of his soft stomach until they rested over his heart. Alex pressed himself back against the length of Hercules’s body, relishing the feeling of his boyfriend’s body cradling him. 

John was leaning over Laf, whose neck he had been nuzzling, to cover Alexander’s face with kisses while Laf freed his hair from it’s bun to run his fingers through it. Alex stretched up to reach Laf’s face so he could pepper it with butterfly kisses. 

“I adore you,” Hercules murmured in his ear. Alex turned from Laf to give Hercules a long, slow, achingly sweet kiss. When he pulled back his face was one of total bliss before his eyes went wide and his mouth dropped open. 

“What? What’s wrong?” Hercules asked, worry already creeping back into his voice. 

“You left the food cooking…..”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Il n’y a rien à pardonner- there is nothing to forgive   
> Je t'aime- I love you 
> 
> There will be an epilogue with more of some actual dealing between Laf and Alex.

**Author's Note:**

> French translations:  
> Maman- mother  
> Mon cher enfant- my dear boy  
> S'il vous plait- please  
> Un mal de tête- a headache  
> Le plus cher- dearest  
> Connerie- bullshit 
> 
> These are from google translate, so if anyone sees any errors, please let me know and I will fix them post haste!


End file.
